


Jumper

by croonerboy



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:21:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26500027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/croonerboy/pseuds/croonerboy
Summary: Evan "Buck" Buckley has a moment during a fire rescue where he contemplates whether his own life is worth saving.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 100





	Jumper

It was just another fire, in just another run down old brownstone, on just another day.

It took quite a while to evacuate everyone as the fire was gutting the inside of the old apartment building, faster than they could put the flames out. Buck was going floor by floor, making sure no area was left unturned, as one of the rescued insisted her 6 year old son was still inside. One door after the other, left Buck increasingly concerned, as again and again, he would yell the boy’s name, making himself hoarse and taking far too much smoke into his lungs as he did so.

“Sammy!!”, He screamed. 

“SAMMY!!”, He hollered with all the effort he could muster.

Nothing…

Just as a last resort, he decided to check the roof, unsure he would have a chance to make it all the way back down if he stayed in this blaze any longer.

He kicked open the roof access door and shouted once again, but it wasn’t needed. As soon as he stepped out on the roof, he saw something huddled in the far corner, next to the pipework and venting.

When he got to the boy he was covered in soot and clutching a small, stuffed teddy bear to his chest. He was not breathing. He laid the boy out flat and began CPR, doing everything he could to bring the boy back to consciousness.

“Come on buddy, come on! Come on, Sammy!

No no no! Not today, please not today.”

But it was no use. The boy was gone.

Buck just grabbed the small, lifeless body and held it close to him. And he just sobbed.

He dealt with this kind of thing every day, but somehow, right now, this one was just one too many. This innocent boy. What did he ever do? The unfairness of this, and his own life, settled over him in a cloud of despair turning into a torrent of sorrow. He wailed, despite the rawness in his throat or the soreness of his smoky lungs. He let the pain, inside and out wash over him.

As if on cue, it began to rain. As his tears subsided, he set the boy down and lay the stuffed bear atop his small chest, wrapping the boy’s tiny arms around it.

Before he knew it, he was up, and stepping toward the roof’s edge. Then out on to the ledge. He looked down over the drop. As he did this the wind from the brewing storm overhead, picked up and blew his helmet off. He watched as it tumbled slowly and seemingly endlessly to the ground below. It seemed to be beckoning him to follow. Tears began to flow, lost in the raindrops that fell, as he watched them, disappearing into the blur of red and blue lights below.

On the ground, the survivors were gathered, being triaged and paired off with loved ones, and those that needed it, were being placed into the available ambulances.

A woman ran up to Bobby.

“My son… have you seen my son!?”, she cried.

“One of the firefighters went in to get him, but they have not come out!”

Bobby looked around, and seeing Eddie, he shouted, “DIAZ! Have you seen BUCK!?” Eddie shook his head, and just as he did so, Buck’s helmet wizzed past him from above, just missing him as it smashed to pieces on the ground at his feet. Eddie looked up. Bobby looked up. A woman screamed.

No… Buck no…he thought.

“Buck! Buck! I’m coming! Just stay there!”, Eddie shouted.

“Let’s get a ladder up there!”, Bobby ordered.

They had no choice but to try and get to the roof from the outside with a bucket, as the inside was completely gutted by the fire and most of the fire escape was melted and twisted from the heat.

The truck with the longest ladder positioned itself and unfurled the longest set of rungs they had and still it was not enough. Eddie was up the ladder before Bobby or anyone could stop him. But he was still four or five floors from the top.

Bobby’s voice came over the bullhorn.

“Buck. Just stay right there. We’re coming for you… Eddie, let’s bring er down. We’ll call in air support.” Just then a crackle came over the radio.

“Cap—doesn’t look like we’ve got air support.”, Chim said.

“With all the wildfires in the area, there aren’t any choppers left, much less any nearby that can get here in any reasonable amount of time.”

Eddie heard this, and looked up at Buck, and then to the nearest ledge along the height of the building, and leaped off the ladder, nearly missing the edge.

He was used to rock climbing and had a strong finger hold, but with the rain, the edge was slick and one of his hands slipped, causing a shriek from one of the survivors below. Eddie regained his grip and pulled himself up and along the relief sculpted carvings that dressed the sides of the building. When he got to the corner, he was able to use the end caps to pull his way slowly up the side of the structure, floor by floor, stopping occasionally, for just a few seconds to rest before continuing on. The rain poured down on to his face and gear, making it difficult, to see and adding weight to the climb as well.

As he reached the top, Eddie strained with all his might to pull himself up and onto the roof. He rolled over on to his side and gasped for air, giving himself a moment to rest.

Buck was so inside his own thoughts he did not even realize until the moment Eddie spoke, that anyone was even there with him.

“Buck.”, spoke firmly and stumbled forward as the roof top under him trembled. The interior of the building was slowly giving way. He knew they did not have much time, and he still was not completely sure how they were going to get out of this. Buck startled and almost fell, before catching his balance. They looked into each others eyes. Eddie spoke again.

“Buck, what are you doing?”, Eddie said.

“Stay back!”, Buck said more forcibly than he intended. Eddie took a step back, and put his palms up in a no harm gesture.

“You got it.”, he said. “Just tell what I can do.”

“There’s nothing you can do…There’s nothing anyone can do.” , Buck said, the words barely squeezing past the lump in his throat.

“Buck…please…why are you up here? What’s going on?”, Eddie asked.

“Why did YOU come up here?”, Buck said, looking at Eddie accusingly and with a touch of regret in his eyes.

Eddie waited a beat, then took a breath and started to speak.

“Buck, look, I know sometimes everything feels wrong, and you feel like the whole world is against you, and you… You think you’re the only one. You’re the only one in the fight. You try, and you try, and no matter what you do, it just gets worse. Until you can’t fight anymore.”, Eddie paused a moment, gathering his thoughts before continuing.

“You don’t know!”, Buck interjected.

“What!?”, Eddie said. “What don’t I know?”

“You remember a couple of months ago, when I took time off for a few days, and I told you I was going to Hawaii on vacation?”, Buck said.

“Well… it wasn’t a vacation. I was having surgery.”, “A colonoscopy. “, Buck said, and his eyes welled up with tears. “I spent the whole week waiting by the phone...waiting for the tissue test results. They found cancer.”

“What?”, Eddie was dumbfounded. “Oh Buck…”, Eddie looked at Buck with sympathetic eyes.

“Don’t—don’t you look at me like that!”, Buck admonished.

“Like what?”, Eddie said.

“That look people give you when they know your screwed, that look of pity in their eyes when—when they know there’s nothing they can do. Like it’s hopeless. Like I’m HOPELESS.”, Buck turned his gaze back to his feet and over the ledge to the street below.

“Buck—Why didn’t you tell me?”. Eddie pleaded. “Is that what all the drinking, all the recklessness on the job was all about? Is that why you—propositioned me?”

Eddie could not believe that last bit escaped his lips, but he had to know. If this was it, if this is where it all ended, he had to know exactly how Buck felt about him.

“It doesn’t matter…Not anymore.”, Buck said.

“It matters to me.”, Eddie said. “YOU—you matter to me.””You’re not alone Buck.”, Eddie moved slowly and carefully toward Buck, the ceiling under his feet, rumbling with increasing urgency.

“Alone…Yeah? What do you know about being alone?”, Buck said accusingly. “You have your Abuela, you have Christopher, and what do I got? Abby left me. My little sister, she has Chim. And all I got is goddamn cancer. Can you cure cancer, Eddie? Because I sure the hell can’t.”, Buck was practically shouting.

“Ok LOOK!”, Eddie shouted back.

“Buck… I know what it’s like to be alone. To feel like it’s just you against the entire world...Always having to face everything by yourself. Feeling like you have no reason to fight. No one to fight for. That’s exactly how I felt, after the war. Before Christopher. Before you.”, Buck looked up at Eddie and saw the mist in his eyes, heard the halt in his voice. And for just a moment, he felt the slightest glimmer of hope.

Eddie continued.

“We’ve both tried hard to make this life something worth living. We’ve both tried, and we’ve both failed. But there’s one thing we haven’t tried. We never tried fighting together…” And with that, Buck turned to step down onto the rooftop. But as he did so, there was a huge explosion beneath them. Eddie watched wide-eyed as Buck tumbled backward and over the edge.

Instantly, Eddie dove for Buck and instinctively grabbed his arm, the weight of him, and it’s momentum taking them both with it.

At the last second, Eddie’s boot caught the ledge and his foot wedged itself between two sections to intricate masonry carvings, crowning along its edge. Buck’s weight snapped his ankle in the process. They both yelled out loud.

Buck’s arm slipped his wet rubber sleeve sliding through Eddie’s gloved hand. Eddie groped at Buck’s arm with all his might, catching him at the wrist. 

“Let me go.”, Buck said. A look of certain defeat in his eyes.

“Please…Buck… Listen to me. If you don’t give me your other hand, we’re both gonna fall..., Eddie winced at the growing pain in his foot. And if we both fall…then Christopher, will lose two people he loves very much. I don’t want to disappoint Christopher—do you?”, Eddie asked. Buck, I’ve lost people too. I lost Shannon. Chris and I—we both did. We can’t lose you too.”

“Just let me go… You should have never come up here. Christopher needs you. It’s all over for me, Eddie. Either way, I’m done. Tell Christopher I love him, and I’m sorry.”, Buck looked down at the crowd below them, preparing to let go.

It was then, when Eddie found the truest courage in his heart. The courage to tell Buck the truth.

“Buck—wait, I have to tell you something. I need you to listen to me. If we die today, then we die together. But not until I tell you the truth.”, Eddie said, a lump catching in his throat.

“Buck! Look at me!”, Eddie barked at him. Buck’s face snapped back toward his.

Eddie spoke the most honest and truest words he ever said in his life.

“That day in the truck, while I was looking at pictures of Christopher on my phone, when you told me how much you loved kids? That’s when I knew. That’s when I knew I never wanted to be alone again. That’s when I fell for you. And I’ve fallen for you 1000 times, every single day since then. And I’d do it again. Just not like this. Not like this! You are stronger than cancer! You’re so much stronger than this. You’re the strongest person I ever met. And you know what? Fuck cancer. I don’t care what it takes, I’m never giving up on you. Never.”, 

Eddie looked deep into Buck’s eyes, more sure now than ever they were going to live— they were going to make it. More sure than he had ever been about anything in his life. He spoke again in a measured, and certain tone.

“Buck…

Evan… Give me your hand.”, he watched as Buck’s tenuous grip slid ever so slightly, as he started to realize the weight of them both was inching his foot from the boot caught at the roof’s edge.

He panicked and screamed, “I love you Evan Buckley! Now give me your goddamn hand!”

Evan smiled. That smile. The beatific, yet mischievous, grin that Eddie so dearly loved.

Buck knew for the first time in his life, here, at the end of his life, at last, he was loved. He felt loved. He loved Eddie. He knew what he had to do. For Eddie, and for Christopher.

“I know you won’t give up. You’re going to make it, Eddie. I know you will. Because you’ll never give up on your son. And…I love you too, honey.”, Buck’s own tears misted up in his eyes. 

“I love you forever, Eddie Diaz.”

Suddenly he reached up with his other hand, grabbing the cuff of Eddie’s glove, turning it inside out, peeling himself loose from Eddie’s grip. It happened so fast, Eddie did not have time to respond. A scream escaped his lips, but he never heard himself scream, nor did he hear the screams of the crowd below. Time slowed to a crawl. Eddie’s eyes grew wide in shock and horror. He watched Buck falling for what seemed like an eternity. Buck’s face was so calm. So at peace. Eddie squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to see the outcome. He howled a guttural, animalistic, sound full of utter sorrow and excruciating pain.

He screamed long and loud, util he had nothing left. He just hung there for what felt like an endless amount of time. And then Buck’s words came back to him, forcing him back to reality.

“I know you won’t give up. You’re going to make it, Eddie. I know you will. Because you’ll never give up on your son.”

Eddie opened his eyes, but with the tears and the rain, and the blood thrumming in his skull, he could not see much more than some blurry, incomprehensible shapes. He had no idea how he was going to get down. But he absolutely had to get down. For Christopher. He squinted, focusing on his surroundings. He could feel the pain in his ankle, but it was swollen enough that he was pretty sure it wasn’t going to move. He thought maybe, if he could find a way to get a hand hold on the flagpole he spied a couple feet to his right, he might be able to pull himself free from his boot and drop his feet down, and swing himself in to an upright position, then climb back up onto the roof. He tried with all his might to push off with his good leg, reaching out with his hands as far as he could. He tried a few times, missing each time. The flag pole just millimeters from his grasp. Just when he was about to resign himself to the fact, he might not make it, he heard a voice from above him.

“Hey! Are you just going to hang around here doing nothing all day, while the rest of us are out here busting our asses?”, Chim teased.

“Chim!?”, Eddie said. A smile spread across his face. “How the hell did you get up here?”

“Oh—you think you’re the only one around here who knows how to scale a burning building?”, Chim said.

Eddie tried to retort, but the sound of a chopper cresting overhead drown him out, as Chim guided the basket down underneath him.

“Wait— I thought there were no choppers?”, Eddie said

“I called in a favor. How we doin’ up there, Taylor?”, Chim said into his radio.

“Ready whenever you are.”, Taylor said. “Reporter by day, Hero by night!” Chim looked up at her in the copter window as she gave him a thumbs up.

“I owe you one.”, Chim said.

“You have to pay me back by telling me how you got the name Chimney.”

“Uhhh NOPE. No I don’t.”, he said.

“HEY! If you two are done with the sexy pillow talk, can I get down please?!” Eddie was starting to wish he had just fallen to the ground with Buck.

“Oh yeah, sorry buddy—Okay, I’m gonna cut you out of this boot, so wrap this loop around you as tight as you can. As soon as your free, I’m gonna lower you down to the basket.”, Chim shouted.

“What about you?”, Eddie asked.

“We’re gonna be fine.”, Chim said. Eddie looked up to see Chim holding what looked like a parachute and a harness.

“Wait a minute,” Eddie said, “What do you mean, we?”

“Me and the kid.”, Chim said.

“I thought the kid was dead?”, Eddie asked.

“No, no, he’s just fine...and you’d have known that if either one of you two bozos had bothered to check his pulse.” This made Eddie laugh in spite of himself.

Then the smile melted from his face, as reality set in.

“I lost Buck.” Eddie said.

“Yeah, I saw that.”, Chim said.

“You lost him, but we caught him. You held him just long enough for us to move the truck and get the safety cushion inflated. It was little bit of a drop, so he may not be as pretty as he used to be. He’s banged up, but he’ll live.” Chim said.

Eddie was so excited by this news, he fumbled with the para-cord almost losing the rope in the process. He wrapped it around himself, slipping it over his head and arms, tightening it chest height. He curled the slack around his hands and gave it a tug, to let Chim know to lower him down to the waiting chopper basket.

Once this was done, and Eddie was safely away, Chim scooped up Sammy and his teddy bear.

“Hold on tight!” he said, as he fastened them together in the harness. Chim removed his helmet and placed it on Sammy’s head. He tightened the chin strap as much as he could, and leapt out and away from the roof, just moments before the rooftop collapsed in on itself. He deployed the shoot and the two of them glided to the ground. A cheer rose up from the crowd.

Bobby congratulated his crew and belted an order into the bullhorn to push the crowd a safe distance away from the crumbling building.

√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√√

AFTERWARD

Buck lay awake but groggy in his hospital bed. It had been a long recovery. He was bone tired, and in a lot of pain, despite having plenty of meds. Not just from his multiple injuries, but also the mandatory suicide counseling. His thoughts were a jumble as he drifted in and out of consciousness. During one of his more lucid periods, he heard a knock on the door.

“Hey little brother, I think a couple someones would like to see you.”, Maddie said, as she held the door open, allowing both Christopher and Eddie to hobble through. They looked like twins, Father and Son both on crutches, as they made their way to Eddie’s bedside.

“Hey buddy!”, Eddie managed to croak at Christopher.

“Hi Buck.”, Christopher whisper-spoke through his usual crooked, irrepressible grin.

“Are you okay?”, Christopher said. As he moved to the bedside. He placed his head in the crook of Buck’s neck, gently so as not to disturb his injuries.

Eddie’s heart swelled, as he smiled and looked down at Christopher, kissing his hair.

“I’m just great.”, Buck said.

He glanced up to see Eddie grinning from ear to ear.

Again, his heart filled up to almost overflowing. He had to force himself not to cry.

“Yeah you are.”, Eddie said.

“And how are you doing?”, Buck asked Eddie.

“Who, me?”, Eddie said, pointing to himself.

“I have never been better.”, he said, flashing his perfect, gleaming white smile. Until now, Buck never thought of it as beautiful.

“Your heart is beating really fast.”, said Christopher.

Buck and Eddie broke the gaze they held between them, realizing it had hung there a bit too long.

Eddie cleared his throat.

“Uh—hi…I’m another person in the room.”, Maddie said. She looked at Buck and then back at Eddie, and got the distinct impression that she ought to leave the room. Clearly, she would need a chainsaw to cut through the tension between these two men. They looked at her and said. “Hi!” in unison.

Maddie rolled her eyes.

“OK! Christopher, let’s let these two talk for a bit. What say we go see if we can find a snack machine around here somewhere?”

Christopher stood up and said, “Yeah!”, clearly excited. Maddie led him out of the room, leaving Eddie and Buck alone together.

“Long time no see.”, Buck said.

Buck would not remember it, as he was out for quite a few days after his fall, but Eddie stayed at his bedside every day during his recovery.

“Long time no see.”, said Eddie.

Before buck could even come back with a reply, Eddie leaned in and kissed him deeply on the mouth. They lingered there, resting their foreheads together, looking into one another’s eyes. They kissed again, before Eddie sat down in the chair next to Buck’s bed, taking Buck’s hand in his.

“Eddie—you should know—if they take out my colon…I read online that 78% of men lose their…drive.”, he looked down inadvertently at his crotch and blushed slightly.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. We’ll find other things to do. Sex is up here, and in here.”, Eddie pointed at Buck’s forehead and then touched the center of his chest.

“Not just here.”, Eddie said, motioning down to Buck’s crotch, which he swore, twitched slightly at his words.

“Besides, it’s not the thing about you I love the most.”, he said, smiling at Buck.

Buck looked into Eddie’s eyes, his face hopeful.

“It’s not?”, Buck said.

“Nah…I love how bad you are at darts.”, Eddie said

Buck laughed, but started to cough in mid-chuckle, as his ribs had not yet fully healed. This made Eddie giggle and then instantly feel worried.

“Ow…”, Buck groaned through his smile.

“Oh god, I’m sorry!”, Eddie said, smiling back.

“So kiss it and make it better.”, Buck teased.

Eddie wasted no time in honoring the request.

They were so caught up in what they were doing, they did not hear, the doctor, Maddie and Christopher open the door or knock as they came in.

“Whoa.”, Maddie said.

“You guys LOOOOVE each other!”, Christopher giggled, squealing with joy.

Eddie stood up, and coughed, and pretended to be straightening his shirt.

“We were just uh—“, Eddie said, grateful, as the Doctor cut him off.

“Mr. Buckley, I need to talk to you about the status of your tissue test from your colonoscopy a few months ago. You might want to clear the room.”, Doctor Gartner said.

“Ok buddy, more snacks!”, Maddie said, leading Christopher out the door.

“I’m Doctor Gartner,” the doctor said. “Could you give us a minute?”, he said to Eddie.

“It’s okay. Anything you can say to me, you can say in front of him.”, Buck said.

“Are you a family member?”, the doctor asked.

Before Eddie could answer, Buck piped in.

“He’s my boyfriend… Uh—partner—Husband!”, he tried to course correct, landing on a title he felt, would discourage the doctor from questioning them further. Eddie brightened, and looked at Buck, who blushed a bit. Still, it sounded good. It sounded right.

He smiled and shook the doctor’s hand a little too excitedly.

“Eddie Diaz…Diaz-Buckley.”, he beamed, as Buck squirmed a bit. Eddie grinned at him, and Buck smirked, going along with the lie. Then he thought to himself, “What’s wrong with Buckley-Diaz?”, before realizing he considered it as if it could actually be a thing.

“Mr. Buckley…We tried to call you a few weeks ago, to let you know, that your tissue test came back positive for cancerous and precancerous cells.”

Eddie’s smiled faded. Buck’s eyes widened.

The doctor continued, seeing their reactions.

“Now before you say anything, it appears we were able to remove all the cells, and while the fact that they were inter-mucosal, is a concern, I would not recommend lower colectomy at this time.”

“What does all that mean?’, Buck asked.

“It means you are cancer free…for now.”, the doctor said. “You will have to make follow up visits, as we need to verify you’re healing, and then every year for the next couple of years, to check for any new growths, but if it looks clear, then you should be ok to wait every five years. But check ups are very important if you want to stay ahead of this thing. Understood?”, the doctor nodded in Buck’s direction.

“He said I’m cancer free!”, Buck said. Eddie realized he had Buck’s hand in a white-knuckled grip. He let go of Buck’s hand and swung himself headlong toward the doctor, practically tackling him to the ground in a big bear hug.

“Thank you, Doc!”, Eddie kept saying thank you over and over, as he rocked them back and forth, all at once realizing what he was doing, as the doctor pulled himself away. Eddie let go and tried to help the doctor, by brushing down the wrinkles in his crisp white coat.

“Uh… you’re very welcome.”, the doctor said, straightening himself before giving Eddie a wink, and bowing to Buck and quickly leaving the room.

“Did he just…?”, Buck said, indignantly.

“Well…I am pretty sexy.”, Eddie said, as he swaggered his way back to Buck and kissed him on the lips.

“Speaking of which… he continued.” “About that sex we were never going to have…”

Just as the words left his mouth, Maddie and Christopher came in.

Eddie looked surprised.

“More snacks!”, as she turned Christopher right around and back out the door, and Buck sighed putting his head in his hands.

“How about we just try a date first?”, Buck said.

“OH that’s a great idea! There’s this great hot air balloon place…”, Eddie said, before Buck cut him off.

“Let’s—I was hoping for something a little closer to the ground. Like a picnic.”, Buck said. “Besides, I haven’t had the greatest luck with hot-air balloons.”, Buck said.

“Understood.”, Eddie said.

There was a knock on the door. It was Maddie again.

“Is it safe to come in yet?”, she said. You have some visitors. As she opened the door, the heads of Chim, Bobby, Hen and the whole crew peeked around the door and made their way in, bearing gifts.

Then Christopher blurted out, “My Dad and Buck are in love!” The room fell silent for a moment before everyone got the giggles.

“It’s ok buddy, WE KNOW!” , said Bobby.

“You do?”, Eddie and Buck said in unison.

“YES!”, everyone said all at once.

“Oh… Well in that case…”, and Eddie planted a big kiss right on Bucks lips. And then another, and another, and another…

“It’s about time.”, Chim said, smiling at the couple as Maddie dumped out the contents of her purse all over the bed, covering it with vending machine candy and snacks.


End file.
